Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Tales of a night auditor

I didn't have time to cue up another episode of "Conversations with Angie" today, and not wanting to break stride, I've decided to post tales of a night auditor. You see, I'm a night auditor at a hotel. That's why I post most of my blogs at 3 AM. Anyway, I've been keeping notes in my notebook about funny things that happen, and I thought I'd share them with you. Safiyyah once said that I need to post something light every now and then, and she's almost always right about these things.

The most common thing that happens is that people will call from their room wanting a wake-up call, and this is usually how the conversation goes:

Random guest: I need a wake-up call.

Sam: What time?

Random guest: Uh...

That "uh" goes on for a while. Sometimes, it's followed by their inner thoughts, such as, "Let's see, I need to be at the meeting by eight, but I'll have to have breakfast first..." and finally they'll give me a time. What strikes me as funny about these episodes as that the people seem to not anticipate me asking them that question. They seem to be completely caught off guard when I ask them what time they want the wake-up call, like they didn't think that through before they called. Sometimes, if the "uh" lasts too long, I'll start saying things like, "How about six? How about six thirty?"

Sometimes people will come in in the middle of the night and figure since they're only staying half a night, they should only have to pay half our regular rate. That's like ordering a steak at a restaurant, eating half of it, and then saying, "Can I pay half price since I only ate half of my steak?" It's not as if the restaurant can collect the other half by selling the rest of the steak. In the same way, we can't sell the room again before it's been cleaned. Whether a person stays in a room one hour or twelve hours, the burden on the housekeeping and hotel staff is the same.

Now here's a few conversations I thought were funny enough to write down. Some of them are summarized. After all, I can't remember every word of these conversations.

This person came in to get a room, and while entering their information into the computer, this conversation happened:

Sam: Do you want smoking or non-smoking?

Woman: What's the difference?

There was a couple wanting directions somewhere, and I told them they had to take a left out of the parking lot.

Couple: How do we turn left?

Sam: You just point the steering wheel left and push the gas.

This conversation actually went on for a while, and they kept getting stuck on the apparent difficulting of turning left. I didn't get it. I thought they were crazy. In all fairness, I should say that I did finally figure out what the problem was. They thought there was a median, and they couldn't turn left for that reason.

This guy came up to me and complained that although he had the TV on FOX, the news wasn't on.

Man: Fox news is supposed to be on, but it's not on.

Sam: Do you want me to call Fox?

I just thought that was funny, because what on earth was I supposed to do about the fact that Fox didn't happen to be showing the news when they were supposed to? Did he think that was a hotel issue?

This annoying kid came in and we had this conversation:

Kid: How old are you?

Sam: 30

Kid: How old are you?

Sam: 30

Kid: How old are you?

Sam: 30

Kid: How old are you?

Sam: Do you want me to lie to you so you'll believe me?

I don't look like I'm 30, but still, that was annoying.

This next story doesn't involve stupidity; just a series of unfortunate events that seem to somehow all be related, though they couldn't be. This guy came down and complained that his TV remote didn't work. He said no matter what button he pushed on the remote, the TV would change channels. After we got that all figured out, he said he had another problem. He said he went to the coke machine, and when he pushed "Sprite" it gave him a Coke instead. That made me laugh out loud. It just didn't seem like any buttons were doing what they were supposed to be doing for this guy.

One time, I got hit on by a gay man, and our conversation lasted at least an hour, so I'm not going to reproduce the whole thing here. I'm just going to give you a little glimps of part of it I thought was funny.

Man: You're a very hansom man... Have you ever been with a man?... Somebody needs to corrupt you.

Sam: I'm not gay.

Man: I'm not either. I'm bi. I have a wife.

Good grief. It's bad enough that he's trying to corrupt me, but then to give me evidence that he's bi and not gay, he says he has a WIFE! He shouldn't have been hitting on anybody!

One night, this guy came in the hotel and lurked about in the lobby for a while, frequently looking outside. I finally asked him if there was anything I could do for him. Summarizing the conversation a little, this is basically what he said:

Dude: I'm scared. I stole my roommate's cellphone, sold it, bought some weed with the money, and now my roommate is after me.

Yup, I meet some real winners in my job.

Here's another conversation with a guest who wanted a room, and I was getting their information:

Sam: Can I get your address?

Guest: I'm not from here.

That struck me as hilarious. I mean we're a hotel! Most of our guests are not from here! That's why they're staying at a hotel!

A pizza delivery guy came in one night and he wanted to know how to get to the room he was going to, which was upstairs.

Sam: There's an elevator down the hall on the right.

Pizza guy: How do I get there?

Sam: You just go down the hall and turn to the right.

There's a couple more stories involving a guy named Glenn who works here. One night, Glenn was filling out an online personal profile, and he turned to me and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?" I said, "Glenn, if you don't know how to spell 'intellectual,' then you don't need to be putting that in your profile."

Glen found my little notepad and thought he'd add one of his own. This last one is his contribution:

Woman: How old do you have to be to get a room?

Glenn: 21

Woman: So if I am 20 can I get a room?

Glenn: No.

And that's it.


At 8/03/2005 12:26 PM , Blogger daleliop said...

Funny post! :)

At 8/04/2005 5:28 AM , Blogger Kelly said...

Great post Sam! I suspect you have lots of funny stories, what with working with the public and working through the night.

At 8/04/2005 10:28 PM , Blogger ephphatha said...

Amen to that, Kelly. I've got a couple of stories that would make your skin crawl, but quite inappropriate for this blog.

At 9/06/2007 11:22 PM , Blogger Paul said...

I just now found this post. I love real-life stories like this. Ever thought of sending something in to Readers Digest for the "All in a Day's Work" feature?

At 9/06/2007 11:34 PM , Blogger ephphatha said...

I never thought about that. I guess it would be a good way to get myself published, huh? Then I could tell all my friends I had been published. :-)

At 4/29/2008 12:20 PM , Blogger Gregory said...

that was hilarious

At 7/13/2008 3:31 AM , Blogger thisfarestairwell said...

Hahaha. Just came across this blog and it's freaking hilarious. I too work as a night auditor at a hotel (if fact I'm working right now =p). Anyways, this stuff is too true. Thanks for posting this. I'd like to add one of my own personal stories for ya.

So it was my 2nd day of training for the Night Audit Shift. And my supervisor is going over some stuff with EDT reports (credit card reports being sent to the bank and such).

Anywho, this guy walks in and had roughly this conversation:

Me: Hello, checking in?

Guy: Do you all have a presidential suite?

Supervisor: No. But we have deluxe suites.

Guy: You don't have a presidential suite!?

At this point I kinda could pick up that this guy wasn't all there. I'm not sure if he had been drinking or had taken drugs or something. But I could tell he had a few "loose bolts" in his head just from his body language.

The guy carried on about how astounded he was that we didn't have a presidential suite for about 3 minutes before leaving.

About 5 minutes later I get a call from the police dispatch. It's kinda wierd cause I've never seen a 000-0000 phone # before. But I answered as I do with any other outside call.

Dispatch: Hi there, this is [city] Police Dispatch. We've gotten a call from someone in your presidential suite.

Me: Umm.. we don't have a presidential suite. What's the last name?

Dispatch: Well, we just had someone call saying "I'm staying at the [hotel name here] in [city] in the presidential suite..." and then hang up on us. We just wanted to make sure everything was alright.

Me: Ya, everything's fine. If you want to have an officer drop by to check it out we wouldn't mind.

So a police officer stopped by and took a statement from my supervisor and myself on the situation.

All in all pretty wierd.

At 7/13/2008 9:52 AM , Blogger Sam said...

LOL! I guess it was so important for that guy to be in a "presidential suite" that he made sure to call dispatch and let them know. Thanks for sharing!

At 1/09/2009 5:03 AM , Blogger nightowl said...

This is great! I am a Night Auditor as well. It's creeping up on 5am here and I so needed that laugh! Right now I am watching our automatic doors open and shut all by themselves. It's been doing that all night. Crazy!

At 1/09/2009 11:47 AM , Blogger Sam said...

Oh yeah, our doors used to do that, too. It was annoying.

At 6/16/2010 9:16 AM , Blogger Kelly4444 said...

Hahah! Omg, I am a night auditor too. I am working right now. 1 hour to go before 7am. Whoot Whoot. I really like working the audit shift. Most of the time it's super quiet, we only have a little over a hundred rooms so it's not super busy. I'll try to remember a few funny stories of my own..
1. The other day a cop came in around 1am. At night it's just me and the laundry guy but this night it was just me..Yeah. (I'm a girl, btw) So he comes in and is like "so, this kid stole a car, and we are looking for him, but like, he might come in here to ditch the cold, so if you see him, call us right away!" So I say "Uh, ya, uhhh, ok." So he's walking away and all of the sudden it hits me..I'm alone!! So I'm like "So, I'm alone.." And he's like, "Oh, well if he comes in, just call us." So let's see..If some kid is about to murder me..I'll just be like "Hey, can you hold on a sec" and go call the cops. Awesome!
2. I had a druggie girl harrass me all night. First she called and asked if I had condoms to give out (which we do) so I walked to her room which was right by the front desk and gave them to her. I put them in a piece of folded paper just in case anyone was walking by so she's like "what is this?" I'm like "what you called the front desk for..wink wink" So she proceeds to call again and again. She goes through the whole thing.."Do you like girls?" "You're really cute, so do you like girls" on and on and on. Well I could hear her yelling at me from her door so I walk around the corner to see what her deal is. She is wrapped in a bath towel mumbling something. All of the sudden the laundry guy opens his door to see what the problem is, she drops her towel..he goes ACKKKKKK!!!! She grabs the towel and slams the door..
3.People ask me every single night...
THEM "Do you work all night?"
Me "Ya"

THEM "Like, every night?"
Me "Ya"

THEM "How do you keep yourself occupied all night"
Me "Oh you know, work and stuff"

THEM "Can I buy you a drink?"
Me "Uh, I'm working."

THEM "You can have one!"
Me "Uh, no"

THEM "Do you like working all night?"
Me "Actually I do!"
THEM "Why??"
Me "I don't really like people"

THEM "Are you here all by"
Me "Uh, no..I'm not. So ya!"

THEM "Where's the bar?"
Me "We don't have one"
THEM "Ok, what time does room service deliver until?"
Me "We don't have room service?"
THEM "WHAT?!?!?!?! You're kidding right?
Me "Not really"
**That was by a famous rapper and his "crew" we became quick friends..Oh, thanks for smelling all 6 of your rooms with pot..We appreciate it!***

Ok, thats it for now. I'm sleeeeepy...Sorry this was long...

At 6/16/2010 9:51 PM , Blogger Sam said...

Ha! Thanks for the stories, Kelly. I'm not a night auditor anymore, but I still love these stories.

At 5/30/2011 8:00 AM , Blogger mana122 said...

Oh, yeah. That's night audit for you.

I've worked audit for a few years, and between myelf and my friend we could probably go on for days about the crazies you get at night.

A lot of the time you just have to shake your head, and let go of your faith in humanity.

A blog for a new generaton of hoteliers

At 9/05/2011 6:41 AM , Blogger wespn99 said...

Great post...too true about the wake up calls! I have always that it was the funniest thing that they would call for a wake up, but didn't have any idea what time they wanted. Also, always found it funny that the guest would press the button on their phone that said "wake up call" and then when I answered, they would ask "Does this hotel do wake up calls?" Always wanted to say, "Nope, they just ran out of things to use the buttons on the phone for!"


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